Sasuke and his Psychiatrist
by Haliled
Summary: Sasuke visits a Psychiatrist because of his little "problem". But what IS the problem? Warning: Insane random humor. Will have some mild yaoi in future chapters. (SasuNaru, KakaIru, etc. The good stuff.) SasuNaru in the end.
1. Sasuke and his Psychiatrist

I felt like writing a humor with Naruto in it. This is a tribute to a fabulous author, but she took off her funniest story, damnit! Anyways, this is wholly dedicated on this magnificent author (bows down), who inspired me to write humor by her own, (very) unique and random Yugioh humor.

Disclaimer: The black ink that dances on this paper signifies death, while the purity of the white paper symbolizes life, and as the two dance together in a wild craze, we have a very complicated metaphor which has nothing to do with why I don't own Naruto.

Warning: Crude jokes, Political jokes, blah blah blah—the good stuff.

CHAPTER ONE: _Sasuke Visits the Psychiatrist_

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* * *

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(And now here, amidst in space, we have…Oh, what do we have here! It looks like, a floating unidentifiable thing…It has glasses…And…Dear God! It's holding a Pink Notepad!)

Psychiatrist: Shut up

(No, you)

Psychiatrist: …No, you

(No, you)

Psychiatrist: No, you

(Make me)

Psychiatrist: Don't make me make you…

(Don't make me make you make me)

Psychiatrist: Don't make me make you make me make---

Sasuke: (walks in the door) Who are you talking to…?

Psychiatrist: Uhhereerrr….

(floats away)

Psychiatrist: …(coughs) Well, let's start, shall we? (horribly nacho-cheesious smile)

Sasuke: ….

Psychiatrist: (gestures) Please, sit down!

Sasuke: (annoyed) I don't need sign language, mister

Psychiatrist: …Er, yes yes…now how do you feel today, Say-sook?

Sasuke: (twitches) It's Sasuke.

Psychiatrist: Ahh, sorry about that, Sah-soo….ki. Anyways, how do you feel today?

Sasuke: (growls, but dismisses it) I'm fine.

Psychiatrist: So I've been hearing that you're having problems with your Sharingan. How so?

Sasuke: Well….when I turn it on I sometimes feel strange….As if something is not quite right…It's as if…as if—

Psychiatrist: —The world has gone red?

Sasuke: Right! ….And I have no idea why

Psychiatrist: (sweatdrops)

Sasuke: (banters on) So anyways, it goes all red, and I'm like—whoa! Am I seeing blood or somethin'?

Psychiatrist: (scribbles on pink notepad) I see…I see….

(Three Hours Later)

Sasuke: And then I went to the airport, and the security was there…and then they took out my nail clippers and were like, freaking out, man! They were all like: We have a serious situation! Call the CIA! Oh my Lord! I think it's starting to bite me! GAHHHHH!

Psychiatrist: (not listening)

Sasuke: Yeah, it was great! And then we went to get Chinese takeout, and man, you should have seen what my brother did! HA HA HA!

Psychiatrist: (draws an X on a tic tac toe) Mmhmmm….Yeah….Okay….Whatever…yeah…sure….whatever….

Sasuke: Oh yeah! There was this one time where my friend and me got into who would be for president! I was like, totally rootin there for Kerry, and my friend was like, for Kerry! And then he said was like: 'If Bush and Dick are in the same office, someone's bound to get screwed.' I mean, I was like, DUDE! THAT IS HARDCORE MAN!

Random Person: (walks in) How dare you! I spit at your feet! Ptooey! (walks out)

Sasuke: ….

Psychiatrist: ….

Sasuke: ………….(sharingan flickers)

Psychiatrist: …..Hmmm….so sausage-ke, isn't the sharingan the "wheel of destruction" or something like that?

Sasuke: (left eye twitches) It's just called Sharingan.

Psychiatrist: (shakes head gently, disagreeing) No no, I could have sworn it was called a wheel….

Sasuke: (growls) I prefer sharingan…

Psychiatrist: A wheel

Sasuke: sharingan

Psychiatrist: wheel

Sasuke: sharingan

Psychiatrist: wheel

Sasuke: sharingan

Psychiatrist: wheel

Sasuke: I'm not giving up

Psychiatrist: I'm not giving up either

Sasuke: I'm not giving up since you're not giving up

Psychiatrist: I'm not giving up since you're not giving up

Sasuke: As far as I'm concerned, you've run out of steam

Psychiatrist: (eyes narrow down as he rolls up sleeves) Let's take this out, boy….out in the parking lot!

Sasuke: I'd rather kill you here… (flicks kunai at shrink's head)

Psychiatrist: (screams like a girl)

Sasuke: (smirks)

Psychiatrist: (still screaming like a girl)

Sasuke: (smirk falters)

Psychiatrist: (still screaming)

Sasuke: (smirk disappears)

Psychiatrist: (screaming)

Sasuke: (frown starts to appear)

Psychiatrist: (screaming as if his life depended on it)

Sasuke: (frown growing)

Psychiatrist: (still screaming)

Sasuke: (activates Sharingan)

Psychiatrist: (curiously, scream turns several pitches higher)

Sasuke: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WILL EVER YOU SHUT UP?!?

Psychiatrist: AAAAAHH—eep.

Sasuke: (stomps out)

* * *

Oh no! Sasuke never fixed his 'problem'! Is there even a 'problem'?? Or is the authoress trying to cook up a pathetic excuse for a plot? And when you think about it, what IS popcorn? I don't know. I don't think my lucky eight ball knows either. 


	2. Everyone Loves a Little Therapy

Ahhh, for those of you who don't like how this fic is structured, you can stop reading if you want. I tried to write paragraphs already, and it just…doesn't work out for this. Hehe, so I suppose I shall continue the way it is.

Disclaimer: This sentence clearly states that I don't own Naruto.

* * *

Sasuke and his Psychiatrist

* * *

(By some unknown forces of evil (and perhaps good) Sasuke is now back with the psychiatrist)

Pyschiatrist: So now, Zasooke, I've heard several rumors that you and Naruto have been participating in many….disturbing activites…Especially in the closet. How so?

Sasuke: …I have no obligation to answer you…

Kakashi: (happy face) Oh yes, they were fooling around all right…

Sasuke: Why are you here?!

Kakashi: I thought this would be fun. (heart heart) And anyways, everyone else is here too, so I didn't want to be left out…(waves towards everyone)

Shino: (counting his bugs)

Ino: (giggles) This is going to be sooo fun! I never went to a psy—syhci—psiki—

Sasuke: (bluntly) A psychiatrist, you idiot.

Ino: That's right! Teeheeheehee! You're so smart, Sasuke-koochiepoo!

Sasuke: …

Kiba: You know, why are we here anyways?

Neji: (distantly) It was fate that brought us all here.

Sakura: Yes! Fate and friendship! We should all be friends here! Friendship is as good as chocolate chip cookies! Friendship is what shapes our world! Nobody can live without friendship!

Kiba: (mutters) Since when did she become a friendship freak?

Shikamaru: (shrugs)

Shino: By the way, Naruto should be coming up here any second…

Sasuke: ….No…He can't…..He can't! Shut him out!

Naruto: (pokes head in) Is this the right room?

Sasuke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Naruto: (confused) It isn't?

Kakashi: Nah. This is the right room. Sasuke's just going love-crazy.

Sasuke: (grumbles)

* * *

Random Chuunin: You know, nothing really exciting happens here…

Random Jounin: (nods solemnly) Yes indeed…

Mizuki: (randomly smashes through wall) Hand over the forbidden scrolls!

Random Chuunin: (goes white) Dear lord! He's armed! And…and he's got the finger!

Random Jounin: (blinks)

Mizuki: (proudly) yes! It's the finger 2500! It slices! It dices! It even makes pumpkin pie!

Random Chuunin: We'd better watch it, that thing's loaded!

Mizuki: Now, put the scrolls in here! (holds out Mcdonald's happy meal bags) Or else I'll be forced to use The Finger!

Random Chuunins and Jounins: (files in the room) Hold it! We're armed with the Finger 2500.0005! With its newly upgraded ammunition, nothing can stand in its way!

Mizuki: …..Damn….(taken away)

Random Jounin: (blinks)

(10 minutes later)

Random Chuunin: You know, nothing really exciting happens here…

* * *

When will Ino ever say psychiatrist right? And what happened to Hinata? Why am I asking these useless stupid questions? And why is my stupid lucky eight ball always saying: 'out to lunch'? I just don't know. I don't think my potato chips know either. 


	3. What's this? Is this BROCCOLI?

Warning: Flashes of NejiHina may come about. I already warned you about the yaoi.

Disclaimer: Yes! I own them! I own every single jellybean—what? You mean Naruto? Oh, no, I don't own one of those.

* * *

Psychiatrist: Sooo! Do any of you have problems? Issues? Things you'd like to talk about? 

Kiba: Hehehe….I like eating….hot dogs! Hahahaha!

Shino: .

Ino: Ooo! Ooo! I like this one guy, who has like, you know…like, black hair, and like….has a bloodline? But I don't know if he likes me too, you know? Like, I like, always thought he was a hottie too….Heeheeheeeheee.

Neji: ….You like me?

Shikamaru: (face faults) -.- …..No, she's talking about Sasuke….

Kiba: Hahaha! And I like to put…..(eyes shift side to side) …Jalapeno on my hot dogs! Hahahaha! My hot dogs then sure become HOT! Ahahahahahaaaaaaa!

Psychiatrist: (seriously disturbed) Eur….(looks at clock, and sees that it's lunch break) Okay everyone! Lunch break!

(Cafeteria) 

Naruto: (pokes his vegetables suspiciously) I'm not sure my broccoli is really dead. I mean, it's sort of jumping around…

(broccoli swells up twenty times its own size)

Naruto: O.O What the—?!?!

Shino: (uses his nice soprano vocal chords) EEEEEEEEEEEEEKK!!!

Lee: My God people! Run for your lives! Don't you see that the broccoli is attacking?! Are you blind while consuming your lumpy fishsticks?! It's eating the lunch ladies!

(everyone continues to eat and talk)

(broccoli now sitting in beach chair sipping a cold glass of lemonade with the a slice of lemon on side)

Shikamaru: There's only one way to solve this….

Hinata: ??

Shikamaru: …..DIP IT IN CHEESE AND EAT IT!

Hinata: (makes the Tom Cruise face when he's about to dip cheese on broccoli and eat it)

Everyone: (cries like little ants and starts to throw pails of cheese on the giant eight foot tall tree, while wielding pitchforks)

Sasuke: (clearly disgusted)

Naruto: (covered in cheese) There are not enough people to eat this thing! We need reinforcements!

Sasuke: (stares at Naruto and unconsciously licks lips)

(A deep voice reverberates around the room)

Deep voice that reverberates around the room: Did somebody need reinforcements?

Naruto: Rrghhh…..Just help us eat this damn thing!

Lee: (adorably) Hey! Bad words no good!

Chouji: (appears from the shadows) Never fear! For Chouji is here! Prepare for trouble!

Chouji's dad: And make it double!

Chouji: To protect the world from devastation!

Chouji's dad: To unite all peoples within our nation!

Chouji: To denounce the evils of truth and love!

Chouji's dad: To extend our reach to the starts above!

Chouji: (flashes smile) Chouji!

Chouji's dad: (flashes smile) Chouji's father!

Chouji: Team—

Naruto: (interrupts) um…can you just help us eat this first?

Sasuke: (coughs)

Neji: (coolly) Since when did Pokemon get involved with Naruto? It was not Naruto's destiny to have mingled with other anime.

Hinata: (blushes, stammering) U-um….N-neji-san….I-I-I don't th-think it's our b-business…

Neji: (Eyes flutter to Hinata, then rudely looks the other way) Hmph….fine….have it your way….

Chouji: (looks around) so where's the grub?

Chouji's dad: (Eyes happen to land on the giant veggie) SACRE BLEU!!

Chouji: ……OHHH YEAHHH BABY! LET'S DIG IN! (fishes out tiny spork out of pocket)

Chouji's dad: (sour face) That's old school, son. Meet the NEW REVOLUTION! (whips out a foonife) A FORK, SPOON, AND KNIFE ALL IN ONE!

Chouji: (eyes sparkle) Woowwwww…..

Chouji's dad: (charges towards the broccoli)

Broccoli: (glares) RAWRR!

(678 seconds later)

Chouji: ughhh….I never want to eat broccoli or cheese again…..

Chouji's dad: (stares at Kiba's hot dog) Hey, you gonna eat that?

Kiba: O.o

* * *

Oh no! What is this story coming to?! And what happened to the broccoli? Will Chouji's dad ever overcome his hunger? Why does Kiba keep talking about hot dogs? And when will love ever sprout for Sasuke and Naruto? Tune in next time for a new chapter!  



	4. Mary Sue Attacks!

I updated a week ago, planning to put this on, but the QuickEdit decided to break, and all of a sudden I kept seeing this weird "Out of Order" pop up...

My interest for this is quickly dwindling, so don't be surprised if this story suddenly decides to leave our lovely planet earth and join a galactic space party. But have no fear, for that won't ever happen……until a few minutes later.

Oh yes, and I've read several random humor stories, and some have disappointed me for their lack of a plot…line…..thing……amabob…..(I'm not being a stupid hypocrite, really, I'm not. You're just crazy.)

Disclaimer: See. See spot. See spot run. See spot die. See spot die. See spot die. See spot…

* * *

(Oh wonders of all wonders! Everyone has survived the broccoli massacre, and are now settling down, only to find themselves being harassed by a random person)

Shikamaru: (flatly) So why are you here?

Random Person: (shrugs) The author of this story just wanted to throw in a pitiful distraction, but other than that…..I want a name.

Ino: Why?

Random Person: Well, you know, I figured, people want to be recognized, but not improperly recognized, such as the "depressed" person, or the "mean" person, likewise, being a "happy" person does not suit people. "Random", is just too much. So, I demand a name.

Neji: (distantly) It's not your destiny to have one…

Sakura: (nods vigorously) Yes yes! Random Person is a good name! You should be happy with yourself! Make friends! Enjoy life! In fact, making friends IS a joy of life! Friendship and love will rule the world! Nobody can survive without friendship! Friendship is like chocolate chip cookies, and is as good as sugar, spice, and everything nice! Love is also nice! Love can make you feel like the happiest person on earth! But what's more wonderful is friendship! For the first stage of love is usually friendship! Friendship then sprouts into love! Love is wonderful! Friendship is even more wonderful! Friends are what bind us together and we have such treasureable moments! Friends help us to not feel lonely, pain, or suffering! Instead they help us heal! They help us to look forward in life and to not dwell in the past where there is much agony! Friends are the best! They love us and we love them! FRIENDSHIP IS THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD! Am I right? Huh? Huh?!

Everyone: Zzzz…..zzzzz…..

Naruto: (drooling) ….sasuke….mmm….zzzzz…….yum….ketchup on ramen…..

Sakura: Hmph! (huffs, then withdraws a—what's this? A permanent marker?) Jigglypuff! (runs down and scribbles on everyone's face)

(3 hours later)

Everyone: (wakes up groaning, and slowly coming back to life)

(suddenly, a shriek pierces the air)

Ino: (horrified) My face! My oh so beautiful face! (has "Ino-pig" scribbled all over)

Sasuke: …. (has cat whiskers and attempted neko ears drawn out on his face)

Naruto: (yawns) …what? (face is blacked out)

Neji: (has "loser" imprinted on his forehead)

Shino: (looks like he has a grocery list on his face)

Naruto: ……wait, where's Sakura?

* * *

Kiba: You know, one day I saw a dog, and I said to myself, 'Kiba, go catch one of them little buggers' and so I did. And look where it got me now! I have me self a scrawny dog! It's not even good enough to be a hot dog! Then I started drinking……(randomly takes a swig of scotch)

Pyschiatrist: So you have a drinking problem?

Kiba: (hic) Not now! Hee hee hee! (hic) And so I named it Akamaru!

Psychiatrist: If that's the name of a cheeseburger, I'm going to scream.

* * *

You-know-who: Since none of you are willing to give me name, I'll force it out of you! So fear me! Remember my name! It is not: He-whose-name-is-hyphenated, or He-who-wears-glow-in-the-dark-underwear, but it is….You-know-who!

Naruto: …..waaaiit, your name sounds familiar….aren't you that voldemort guy?

Hagrid: (pops up) Don't…say…his…name! (walks out)

Everyone: O.o

You-know-who: No, I'm not voldemort. I have better things to do than terrorize black-haired-green-eyed boys with a lightning scar on their forehead. Now! Onto more important matters, such as getting myself a name! Hahaha! I have found my secret weapon!

Neji: Is it a gun?

You-know-who: ….No

Sasuke: ….A bloodline?

You-know-who: (irritably) No

Naruto: Is it a demon that plans to manifest itself upon the world so that it can have world domination and then use cheerios as his minions?

You-know-who: No! Wait….I forgot….Let me think of it again….

Naruto: Is it macaroni and cheese?

You-know-who: …..maybe…..

Shikamaru: I always knew those noodles looked a bit menacing….

Random person: No! I have it! Aha! It's….(pulls out a lever that pops out of nowhere and a platform appears; with a girl sitting elegantly in the middle)

Sasuke: ……no….

Shino: ….It can't be…..

Lee: …..It's a….

Naruto: ….MARY SUE!

Mary Sue: (giggles lightly, and her eyes open up to be a light blue green haze, as if it can't decide to be blue or it can't decide to be green, and has natural blonde streaks in her brown, luscious hair. Her clothes are identical to a French Maid) Hello! My name is Penelope Gurstidiouslypoe, and I like animals and ninjas and live in Beverly Hills!

Neji: …..I feel strangely drawn to her….Yet is it my destiny?

Naruto: (sobs) I want to hold her and kiss her!

Sasuke: (frowns) I feel…..as if I want to…..hug her….(repulsed by the idea)

Mary Sue: Oh no! Wait! I'm now a girl who's name is Low-Self-Asteem, and has had a horrible childhood and needs loving! (wipes away an artificial tear)

Lee: Noooooo! I being drawn in!

Shikamaru: I want to kiss away her troubles!

(thunderous voice appears)

thunderous voice: Shame on you! It is horrible to capture the Mary Sues and use it on innocent men, and it goes against the rules of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!

Shino: …..Who are you?

Sakura: (steps from under the shadows, and is wearing an outfit similar to Sailor Moon) It's me! Sakura Haroonoo, who stands for the rights of friendship, chocolate chip cookies, and happiness! Now! I call upon youuuuuu YAOIIIIII FAN SERVICE, ATAAAAAAAACKKKKK!!!!!!! (a blinding neon light spurts from the end of her wand and falls upon everyone)

Sasuke: (looks at naruto) ….Oh Naruto….(sees the blonde covered in shojo bubbles and bright, beautiful fuzzy eyes)

Naruto: Oh sasuke…..I've never seen you so dark…..so alluring….

Sasuke: And you….I've never seen you so light….so pure……so innocent!

Naruto: Sasuke! (glomps the dark-haired boy)

Sasuke: Naruto! (huggles)

Kakashi: (already pounced on poor Iruka)

Iruka: Ohhhh Kakashi….A bit lower….

You-know-who: (aghast) What have you done?!?! My plan is ruined! RUINED!!!

Sakura: It was easy. I used yaoi fan service, for nothing can withstand yaoi! Not even your Mary Sue!

You-know-who: (taken away by the random chuunins and jounins) Damn youuu Sakuraaaa!

Ino: So when does this yaoi wear off?

Sakura: (shrugs) I'm not so sure. I think it should be wearing off right about—

Sasuke: (roars) WHAT THE—?!?! WHY THE HELL AM I KISSING THE DOBE!?!!?!

Sakura: (nods happily) Yeah, right about now.

* * *

Kiba: (hic) So THEN, (hic) I told my beautiful wife here in the middle of the night—(waves at Akamaru)—that I'd catch some MORE little buggers…(hic) ahhh, the encouraging words she told me (hic)….she said: Kiba, you dorkazoid, your name sounds like a noise that a dying donkey would make, and you should let me sleep…..(hic hic) Ahhh, she was so sweet and endearing….(hic)

Psychiatrist: Oh joy.

* * *

This story is quickly deflating! What will ever happen to Random Person/You-know-who? And will Kiba ever stop drinking? When will yaoi ever REALLY come in the story? When will Gaara ever come in? And when you think about it, what IS a yam? 


	5. Christmas Carol

I have come back to do a little Christmas Carol! (I know, I know, it's just twelve minutes before Christmas ends, but…) Puhaha! This mini shot to the story is a full parody of "A Christmas Carol" By Charles Dickens. Also known as, Darles Chickens.

Useless Warning: Samara, Gaara's evil twin sister shall appear in this chapter, (although she's quite boring right now since she's on vacation from killing people) and you can see her wrong-side-of-the-bed grouchiness in the movie: "The Ring"

Another Useless Warning: The story: "A Christmas Carol" has been thoroughly destroyed by eBooeBoo's handiwork. Do not be disturbed of Sesame Street. It's quite a lovely tv show.

Disclaimer: Happy Holidays! Bonnes Fetes! Schöne Feiertage! Auguri di Buone Feste!

It's so fun to write disclaimers…

* * *

Ebenezer Scrooge: Gaara

Jacob Marley (Scrooge's partner): Gaara's evil twin sister, sweet sweet Samara

Bob Cratchit (employee of Scrooge): Naruto

Fred (nephew of Scrooge): Kiba

I'm sure you will all find out the rest of the characters as you read on. Puhaha. ha.

Enjoy!

* * *

(It's a beautiful day as Naruto makes his way towards Scrooge's office)

Naruto: (knocks on door) ….Gaara-sama?

Gaara: (flings open the door, growling) What?!

Naruto: Er, can I have the day off tomorrow?

Gaara: (rubs chin thoughtfully) Hmmm………No.

Naruto: But—

Gaara: (calmly) No.

Naruto: But—

Gaara: No.

Naruto: But—

Gaara: No.

Naruto: But—

Gaara: Remember….I know where you live.

Naruto: O.o eep.

Gaara: Ahhh. Much better. All right. You may have a third of the day off.

Naruto: But—

Gaara: No.

Naruto: But—

Gaara: No.

Naruto: But—

Gaara: (snaps) Fine! You may have tomorrow off.

Naruto: Thank you sir! ….Wait, what about my pay?

Gaara: Oh yes, here you go. (gives a bitten cheese stick)

Naruto: ….Huh? What about my money?

Gaara: …DO YOU WANT ME TO FIRE YOU?!?!

Naruto: O.o (runs off) Goodbye sir! Um, Merry Christmas!

Random Chuunin: (walks in) You have just defied the court of law. You will, uh, remain, uh…silent…er…

Random Jounin: You will remain silent under the…uh, court of law?

Random Chuunin: …Yeah! That's it!

Naruto: (flustered) What? What did I do?

Random Chuunin: Article 27 section 435 in the Constitution of Konoha; upon mentioning one religious holiday, you must then name all the other holidays, in order to avoid further difficulty of having many reviewers rampage across this chapter. Thank you and have a nice day. (drives off)

Naruto: Um…okay. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Yule, Asara B'Tevet, Merry Litha, Good Omisoka, —

Gaara: Zzzz….zzzz…..(scarily, he has his eyes open)

Naruto: (sighs and dejectedly walks away)

* * *

Gaara: (tucked in bed, holding a squeaky teddy bear) You know, Samara…This weird guy came up to me today and asked if he could have the day off….

Bear: Squeak. _(Shut up.)_

Gaara: I had no idea who he was…

Bear: Squeakity squeak. _(Maybe because you have amnesia.)_

Gaara: Yeah yeah….I know…he was probably my employee; the same one that kept asking for a raise…That jerk…Maybe he was the one who put cat litter in my sandwhich…

Bear: … (…)

Gaara: (yawns) I'm going to sleep. Goodnight, Samara.

Bear: Squeak.

* * *

(Samara pops up in a hazy mist of a dream)

Samara: Gaaraaaaaaaa……

Gaara: (turns around to face Samara with his morning face)

Samara: Oh Gaaraaaaaaaaaa—AAHHH!!!!!

Gaara: —.— …What?

Samara: (coughs) You…look nice. Anyways, I'm here to tell you to go rape Naruto.

Gaara: …Why?

Samara: Because I said so.

Gaara: But…but I don't want to.

Samara: Do it!

Rabid-Gaara/Naruto-rape-fangirls: DO IT!!

Gaara: (turns to teddy bear) I hate peer pressure.

Samara: Anyways, on to less important matters…I have come to tell you to not follow in my footsteps, because then you'll end up doomed like me—oh, and three other ghosts are coming. Also, upon waking up this dream, you're supposed to be a good man that sees the flaws in his ways—

Random Chuunin: (wacks her head) Don't go telling the plot holes! (runs away)

Samara: …

Gaara: …

Samara: …Hey before I go, I want to tell you to STOP NAMING STUFFED ANIMALS AFTER ME!! (poofs away)

Gaara: ….Who the hell was she?

Bear: Squeak! _(Amnesia, Gaara. Amnesia.)_

Yondaime: (pops up) You are Gaara, I presume?

Gaara: ….Yes.

Yondaime: Alright! I'm here to show you your past!

Gaara: I have a past?

Bear: Squeaky. (_Or maybe you just have Alzheimer_)

(Both Yondaime and Gaara travel through air and time and finally stop at an open window)

Genma: (screams like a girl and shuts the shower curtain)

Gaara: O.O

Yondaime: (sweatdrops and flies on) Sorry. That wasn't part of the trip.

Gaara: O.O

Yondaime: (leads to another window)

Gaara: (shields eyes) Is it…safe?

Yondaime: Yes, here's the right one!

(Window shows Gaara's horrible childhood, such as when Kankuro broke Gaara's toy helicopter)

Gaara: (wipes tear) Dear Betty. Dear dear Betty. Her choppers weren't even ready for flying!

Yondaime: …

Gaara: (sniffles)

(Window shows Gaara beating up Kankuro)

Gaara: Nyahaha! (snorts) Good times. Good times.

(Window breaks down): Error. Error. Malfunctioning. Window's shutting down. Windows shutting down in 10…9….8…6…

Gaara: What about seven??

Window: Just kidding. 5…4….3…2…1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! (randomly and spontaneously combusts)

Yondaime: (apparently doesn't know what to do now) Uh…That's all for now. (disappears)

Gaara: ….What? Fine, meanhead. Er, I mean, (looks around suspiciously, before whispering) …poophead. (blushes in shame of using such an atrocious word)

* * *

Gaara: (has been waiting for three hours) When is the next ghost coming?!

Kakashi: (pops up) I'm sorry, I ran into some inconvenience along the way. You see, I didn't get to have two eggs for breakfast, and I always have two eggs for breakfast, and so I was pondering on what to eat for breakfast.

Gaara: (flatly) Three. Hours.

Kakashi: (grins) Yup. It was fun. Anyways, I'm here to show you your present time! (grabs Gaara)

(Both travel through air and time and finally stop at an open window)

Kakashi: (cheerfully) I'm Kakashi, and you're my next client, Gaara, right?

Gaara: (nods slowly) …Why are you wearing high heels and a big green robe?

Kakashi: I'm a giant. And these aren't high heels! They're just…really…high……heels….(falters off)

Gaara: Alright, fine, don't tell me about your stupid robe.

Kakashi: (In a jolly tone) We're going to have so much fun! We're going to watch the stars…eat pancakes outside…maybe even toast them a bit…

Gaara: Isn't that for marshamellows?

Kakashi: (ignores him) …maybe even roast them…And eat it with THE UZUMAKI FAMILY!

Gaara: Whuzza whuzza?? Uzumawhatchacallit?

Kakashi: (leads Gaara to a window)

Random Jounin: (screams like a girl and shuts the shower curtain)

Gaara: Oh God! Stop showing me these naked people!

Kakashi: (sheepishly) Sorry. (leads to another window)

Gaara: (peeks cautiously, lest it show another person in the shower) ….what is this?

(window shows the Uzumaki family, with Naruto's wife, Sasuke, tending the stove and chibi Sasukes and Narutos blindly running around)

Gaara: They look…happy.

Kakashi: Nope. Look again.

(window shows a tiny child, sitting on a chair looking frail)

Konohomaru: Daddy…(cough cough)

Naruto: Yeah, brat?

Konohomaru: Am I sick?

Naruto: What a stupid question! Of….of course you're not! You're…..hell…thee….(drifts off) …healthy.

Konohomaru: (confused) I'm hell?

Naruto: (finishes) Thee.

Sasuke: (wacks Naruto's head) Stop it, dobe.

Naruto: (sticks out tongue) Bleh.

(Naruto and Sasuke then enter a kissing match)

Gaara: So…remind me why I'm watching this?

Kakashi: (watching intently) Wait….wait….they're starting to take off the clothes….this will be a good one….

Gaara: (bellows) TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS RATED R SCENE!! NOW!!!!!

Kakashi: o.O Eep. Yes sir. (snaps fingers and window disappears)

Gaara: (growls; eyes appear to be glowing red) Now. What.?

Kakashi: Uh….I think my mom's calling me. Gotta go. Bye! (poofs away)

Gaara: (mutters) I'm going to kill him…

Bear: Squeaky Squeak! _(He's a ghost, moron!)

* * *

_

Gaara: (has waited for the past 4 days) WHERE THE HELL IS THE LAST GHOST?!?!?!

Sarutobi: (mysteriously appears next to Gaara's shoulder)

Gaara: (screams)

Sarutobi: (screams)

Gaara: (screams like a girl)

Sarutobi: (screams like a 64 year old man)

Gaara: (pants) Don't scare me like that! How long were you here?!

Sarutobi: (writes with chalk on chalkboard, then flips board around)

Gaara: (reads) The…past…four……days?!

Sarutobi: (nods silently)

Gaara: (grumbles) You could have said something, you know….

Sarutobi: (scribbles on chalkboard)

Gaara: (reads) You can't talk, eh?

Sarutobi: (shakes head silently)

Gaara: Oh…

Sarutobi: (points onward)

Gaara: What? (sees tombstones) Oh dear.

Sarutobi: (points west)

Gaara: (reads tombstone) Wicked Witch of the West. Murdered by a house. Oh dear.

Sarutobi: (shakes head, still pointing west)

Gaara: (reads another tombstone) Bill Gates. Died at sea. Hmmm….I never knew he was a sailor…

Sarutobi: (stomps foot, shaking head, still pointing west)

Gaara: (reads yet another tombstone) Tiny Tim. Died from Ubercolosiskarposisarcomahepatitus. …….What?! What kind of disease is that?!

Sarutobi: (writes furiously on chalkboard, then flips it around)

Gaara: (reads) A…new…form….of….AIDS…..Hmmm…..(shrugs) figures.

Sarutobi: (points ahead)

Gaara: (reads a small, neglected grave) Ebenezer Gaara…Oh no! (falls in grave, therefore falling in a deep dark abyss) NoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo!!!!!!

Gaara: (wakes up) ….I'm a new man!! (flings out the door in his pajamas and goes to the store)

Store clerk: What can I get you?

Gaara: (Looks around, then spots a turkey the size of Michael Jordan) I want that one! That big fat one, I say!

Store clerk: Okay Dokay Artichoke.The big bird isdubbed "Big Bird", from Sesame Street. A fine piece of meat, ain't it? That'll be twenty shillings.

Gaara: (plops a bag of gold coins on the counter) Thank you, my good man! (saunters out, dragging "Big Bird") Now, off to the Uzumaki's! (heaves the turkey through town, finally appearing on Uzumaki's doorstep)

Naruto: (cracks open the door, gasping) Gaara?!

Gaara: Here's a fine turkey for you! And you are having a raise, my boy! Now I'm off, to see dear, dear Kiba! Good day to you all! (drops turkey on Naruto)

Naruto: Thank you, Mr. Gaara!

Gaara: (nods happily before running off)

* * *

I'm terribly sorry if all of you are disappointed in any way. Please excuse Gaara's OOC, for he drank too much rum before volunteering for this chapter. Also Naruto's OOC can be excused too, for he became delirious after being locked in the closet with Sasuke. Konohomaru was adopted by Naruto and Sasuke. Figures. Merry Christmas everyone! (For the remaining 3 minutes) 


	6. A New Exercise

I've come back, and I'm not sorry to tell you that this will be the last chapter. I've reread the whole story and found out that it's like crap, and it was all made during a night of sugar-filled delights. I know that the staff of this website will probably take down this fic due to its stupidity, so I just wanted to write one last goodbye chapter. So thanks for reading everybody! And sorry that this is so short. (sweatdrops) My friend is helping me make this. So give her 8 of the credit for the story.

Disclaimer: Did you know that a male honeybee explodes after mating? Oh, and another random fact is that I don't own Naruto or Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

* * *

(Everyone is now comfortable and present in an empty, open room. Yet, what is this? There seems to be another strange, new life form…it's….IT'S A YOGA INSTRUCTOR!)

Yoga instructor: Yes! It is me! Hello everyone and make yourselves comfortable! I shall first be explaining how to breathe…

Temari: (sarcastic tone) Yeah, that's the reason why we're all standing here in the first place. To learn how to breathe.

Yoga instructor: (glares) You must be one with the earth in order to reach the level of the master, young grasshopper…

Temari: (eye twitches) …Did you just call me a 'grasshopper'…?

Yoga instructor: (ignores her) Anywho, since we are going to be one with the earth, we will be using the most technical and advanced materials for this situation. We shall now start! Left hand on maroon!

(Everyone looks down to see that they're standing on twister mats)

Naruto: (baffled) …But…there isn't a maroon…

Yoga instructor: Think of it in your mind, little one, and it shall come to be. (Spins the arrow on the twister board) …Now, right foot on lavender!

(Meanwhile…)

Random Person: (Playing with sticks in a random jail cell)

Orochimaru: (pops out from under the bed and smiles, showing off his wonderful teeth) Never fear! I'm no telemarketer or random salesperson! I'm just coming to make a deal…

Random Person: (blinks)

Orochimaru: (somewhat disturbed) Um…okay…well anyways, I have come to bribe you into coming to the dark side! When you come with me, I can give you the tools to ultimate power! Such as a keychain, a t-shirt, a waterbottle, a light saber…Oh! And if you recruit ten other people to be members, you get a free IPOD! This bargain also includes new jutsus that will give you eternal life and allow you to get something from the fridge without getting out of your chair and…uh…and all the other good stuff.

Random Person: Guhhhhhh…? (drifts off)

Orochimaru: (slaps forehead) Oy…I should just bite him already…

* * *

Yoga instructor: Now put your right hand in…that's right…now put your right hand out…and you shake it all about…goooood….very good…now speak the sacred mantra!

Everyone: (flatly) And you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about.

Yoga Instructor: (Claps) Yes! It is indeed what earth is all about! You're all doing so well; you make me very pleased, young grasshoppers!

Temari: There you go again! You dare call me a grasshopper? I'LL SHOW YOU A YOUNG GRASSHOPPER YOU FU—

* * *

Orochimaru: (has finished going through all his bribes)…Soooo….What do you say? I'll throw in a giant toad named Gamabunta as a bonus!

Random Person: (thinks about it for two seconds)….Sure, why not?

Orochimaru: Oh yeah, baby! Your Gambunta will be coming shortly, so ta-ta for now! (poofs away)

Random Person: That guy was totally weir—(out of thin air a giant toad appears and lands on random person)

Random Person: (through muffled voice) Curse you!

* * *

(Temari has been dragged off by the random jounin, so now everyone is safe from her wrath)

Shikamaru: Dude…she's like… scarier than my mom….

Yoga Instructor: Um. Yes. Well, now we shall continue our quest for the Holy Grail—

Naruto: Weren't we supposed to connect with the earth or something?

Yoga Instructor: Um. Yes. Well, now we shall—whoa! What the heck is that! (looks at the door)

Kakashi: (gasps) It's a bird!

Shino: It's a plane!

Chouji: It's a flying cheese nip!

Kakashi: No, it's…THE BROCOLLI FROM CHAPTER THREE!

Everyone: (screams)

* * *

Random Person: Okay…Now smash down the door (points to the cell entrance)

Gamabunta: ….Der?

Random Person: (impatiently) I said smash down the door!

Gamabunta: ….Gubba Pubba…?

Random Person: I said smash down THE FREAKING DOOR!

Gamabunta: Oh! (goes behind a screen and comes out wearing a pink tutu, then starts dancing to random elevator music) Duu…dee…doo!

Random Person: (slaps forehead) Oy…This is going to take a while…

* * *

A/N: I know I left off on a bad conclusion…(readers: That was a CONCLUSION! Holy smokes!) Okay! Okay! Yes, I know! This is on hiatus. Sooner or later the staff will take this down so I'll wait 'till then.

Thanks for reading, everybody! Hope you liked this chapter! (I know, this IS the crackiest crack you've ever read, isn't it?)


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